Making Blueberry Pear Butter and syrup

​From 7 inches deep of juice soaked fruit in the crock to 3 inches of super thick amazing tasting fruit butter.

We were given a 6 pound food service can of diced Pears in light syrup and 1.5 pounds frozen blueberries.  I poured the entire can of kind of undercooked pretty bland pears into a 6 qt crockpot and added the frozen blueberries.  I put the lid on it and cooked it on high for 90 minutes.

After the hour and a half was up I tasted it and was kind of surprised that it needed sugar 

I seldom use sugar in fruit butter but this needed it despite the syrup the pears were in.  After another hour I decided to speed things up since I don’t usually have so much liquid in the pot while making fruit butter so I poured off most of the liquid into a smaller crockpot and added another cup of sugar and let it cook on high with the lid off.  

Five hours later I had a thick sweet blueberry syrup.
This is an amazing way to salvage​ fruit, I have done this with “windfall fruit” a huge bin of organic apples that had bruises and holes. It took a few hours to cut out the bad parts but I ended up with 2 full crockpot of sliced up apples and reduced it to until it filled nearly an entire large crockpot.

I also do this with fruit that is over ripe but has not gone bad.  Often it is Apples or Pears that are very sweet but a bit softer than I like.

Here is the reduced blueberries and pears after cooking in a crockpot for 6 hours with a splatter screen on in place of a lid.  This is after they reduced from 7 inches of juicy fruit in liquid to 3 inches of thick mashed fruit butter

While I had Blueberry Pear Butter reducing in one crock and Blueberry syrup in another I also had a smaller crock going with 6 slightly soft apples and left over fresh pears that had simply started to get brown skin, they were perfect for eating but would have gone bad before I finished them.

I also have make apples this way as pie filling by not cooking as long and leaving fruit in slices instead of mashed.  To thicken the pie filling I added some of the apple butter I had made before. 


I am allowed to feel depressed without being “Depressed”

Me: “I am feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed.”

Them: “Oh is there something you can do to make the Depression better?”

Me: “It isn’t a flare up of “Depression” I have serious crap making me feel simply down and depressed. Depression is an illness with very distinct symptoms that are different enough from just feeling depressed that I can tell the difference.”

Them: “Oh than it is SAD, you need to go outside or use your lamp more.”

Me: “Um no, I have reasons I feel overwhelmed and because of that I feel kind of depressed”

Them: “Could it be hormonal?”

Me: “NO, I am drowning in worry, I hurt, people I care about hurt, there are things I am trying to figure out how to fix and the anxiety is causing me to feel depressed.”

Them: “Oh, well have you been taking your medicine? If so could it be a side effect of some of them?”

Me: “NO NO NO, I am stressed out about health issues, mine and others, I am worried about stray cats and my own cats, I worry about bills and possibly finding money to fix a crumbling tooth. I am worried about our car and every other fucking thing in my life but there is good news…I am now not depressed so much as fucking pissed.

I am allowed to feel depressed about things without being in the middle of full on Depression.

It is an illness, yes I have it, but that does not mean that I am having a flare up of that illness anytime things in my life get me down.

All those things people bring up always feel just slightly judging.

Not going outside or using your light???

Did you take your meds??

Could it be the meds you choose to take??

Seriously other than hormones it feels accusing because there is also “did you eat too much sugar?” and “have you been exercising enough?” or “are you still drinking coffee?”

The thing is it is hard to get really mad, frustrated yes.

It is like with Fibromyalgia, everyone including me tries to think up something I have done wrong or could do right if I made some changes that might make it better.

Some things help but not to wipe it out

Falling apart #____ I have lost track

​The reason I don’t “get used to it” is it feels as if every month, sometimes every day, brings a new symptom, reaction or bit of damage.

One of the more recent is my teeth crumbling partly from a genetic tendency of weak teeth, shitty dental coverage and most of all TMJ and Bruxism (clenching my jaw and grinding back and forth which cracks my teeth and grinds the top of them off, once that happens they become hollow as the softer inside is destroyed faster than the outsides)

My front left incisor is crumbling, it seems like everyday at least once I feel as if I have a bit of sand in my mouth, today it happened twice but the second was the back of a bottom front tooth crumbling.

I always had perfectly set teeth, no braces needed to have a perfect bite and I was proud of it when I had nothing else I could feel proud of.  Now I can’t even pretend I don’t look sick

That “perfect bite” is why the damage is so bad, now they are crumbling and my insurance is crap.

The bad news where my teeth are concerned: 

1. there is serious damage on every single tooth in my mouth.

2. My front left incisor is cracked and falling apart, my insurance says it was repaired 6 months ago, it wasnt, and they won’t do anything to it til June (I doubt it will last a month) repairs for it could be $800

3. My teeth have recently become painfully sensitive to cold, metal and anything acidic.

4. My dentist (one of the few who take my insurance) can only do 1 visit a month and believes it will take 8 months to do basic work on just the damage I now have.

5. My mouth is cut to shreds, my inside lip and cheeks are cut up and so is under and the tip of my tongue.  

The good news:

Not Alt-right

​Do Not call them the Alt-Right

I will not carry on the conversation because I am a bleeding heart liberal bitch and I will sit there coming up with better names like “nazis” “Fascist assholes” “hate mongering frat boy fuckers” “President of the United States of America” things like that.
Oh and this exact statement has been made by me in the lady 8 hours so I seriously don’t care if people think I am bitchy about this…. “OK I needed to say that about what’s going on and if you think I am a bitch because of it…..ummm well truthfully I honestly don’t care if you think I am a bitch for saying it.

Gird your loins Fairy Goth Daughter

​A comment I may or may not have made on my ex bf’s young teen daughters page when she commented about having to wear a dress to a dance.

This by the way is just one reason I am probably better off not living in the midwest.
“”Wear a long hippy skirt then in the middle of the dance explain that you wore it so you can be prepared for battle then show them how to Gird Your Loins.

Be prepared for at least on chaperone to lose their mind, explain to them it has biblical significance””

I told my ex bf (we’re talking like 15 years ago ex) and his wife when his 13yr old kidlet ask to be friends on facebook  “you know how I am on here, it is up to you cause it isn’t like I will be cussing less or not posting whatever catches my attention.”

“If your cussing bugs her she can ignore it or unfollow. It’s all good”

Yep they are cool parents

It has been half a year since I posted last

My health has not been great, and it has dragged down a lot of the things that make me the person I finally learned like.  I have lost my motivation to craft, to create.  I fight pain and gain daily and deal with shame and anger more than I would ever want to.

I will go back through the last 6 months of Facebook and try to find some of my posts about my life to post (using the feature where you can change the date of the post) I have not been posting as many posts about my life because I am loath to admit my entire life seems to be wrapped around my pain, my weight and my failings.

Pain and gain

Ok this is pretty much a WOE IS ME post but sometimes I need to vent

I really really feel as if I am never going to be ok as if I will never lose this weight again or get healthy.
I can’t deal with the pain at night so I have to dope up to survive the night spasms or I thrash and cry out for hours on end.  The day to day aches and pains I survive ok but the agony at night is hell.
The drugs make me sleepy for most of the next day, well that and the fact I barely sleep.
The fatigue makes exercise of any type hard, the drugs stimulate my appetite and slow my metabolism.
Oh and the pain dr says “What we really need is to get you exercising more.” when I ask him about a night time specific pain med.  And when I tell him that even walking half a mile more than I usually do means I will spend 6-8 hours crying out in agony instead of 3 -5 hours (and that is after taking all the pain meds and Cogentin I am allowed to) he just breezes over it.
I just can’t seem to control my appetite and now my teeth are getting so bad and sensitive from TMJ (I am shattering fillings and destroying crowns) that I am having the same teeth worked on more than once a year and we aren’t sure my insurance will pay for it.  I know they won’t cover dentures.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t feel hungry all the time these days and love crunch.
I love slicing up apples and eating them with a slice or two of cheese, a cup of light yogurt or a serving of cottage cheese but these days even super thin apple slices hurt to chew as do petite baby carrots (one of the few raw or low starch veggies I can eat)  I often can’t eat baby pickles without pain because of the crunch and the acidity.
Since my body does best with protein I need to cook meat to the point where I can shred it in a super low sugar sauce. 
I can eat Dairy but I am also having to watch out for cheeses, yogurt, and pretty much all dairy because of the calories and my tendency to over eat anything.
With my body so messed up just eating the same amount of sugar that a person who hasn’t had weight loss surgery can eat without a problem causes me to gain weight despite my altered anatomy.  And because of the same issue eating even a small amount of sugar triggers cravings so bad that I want to cry. 
Thankfully I can’t eat wheat any more because it causes painful inflammation all over my glands and joints for days but I also can’t eat rice, quinoa and other wheat substitutes because they are so high in carbs.  I do eat 2 to 3 half cup servings worth of thick cut oats a week to get a little bit of grains in my diet.
Every time I massively over indulge, or let’s call it what it is, binge, I freak out and tell Alex how we are going to change our diet and stop eating sweets (me giving them all up and him at least reducing) and within 48 hours our good intentions have gone to hell.
I need to get serious, the insurance won’t pay to resleeve my stomach or shorten my common channel. The thing is both of these would help with a burst of weight loss but if I can’t fix the other issues I would just gain again.
I still get massive anxiety when I see a really big crippled up person, not upset in disgust but I remember being that big, that crippled and I never want to do that again and yet I keep fucking up my health mostly by eating way too many carbs.
And then I get anxious about binging, or even wanting to binge but since one of my eating triggers is anxiety it is like fighting shadows that can punch back but you can never seem to get in a good shot.
I make plans to change then I fail. And that adds anxiety which makes me want to eat.
Oh yeah and then I feel guilty about how seeing a really big person on a motorcart upsets me and I feel shame which causes anxiety which causes hunger triggers.