|I have the most amazing color of hair right now, a mixed teal blue and green with 2 inches of roots dyed a mix of purple and red, all of it flows together so lovely.
And I can’t show you because I can’t stand pictures of my face but I also can’t handle how bullshit attention grabbing putting a black dot covering my face would be.
I realized today this aversion of being photographed has becomes sickness, a thing that causes me to feel sick at the idea much less at seeing photos of how I look now.
98% of the people on my friends list don’t understand that when I say there were LOTS of photos taken of me fat I don’t just mean a few hundred in the 7 years I was part of this community before my surgery 6.5 years ago. I modeled for 14 years before my surgery, yes I was on a paysite for 3 years but I also did plain old ultra-fat-chick in cute sexy clothes or just nice clothes pictures as well. Last estimate was around 8500 photos of me online.
And that face at its best is who I imagine I still am, or maybe some face between that “cute fat chick” face and this …. face I have now.
This face doesn’t photograph well, where I used to photograph better than I looked in real life I now think pictures of me are far worse
At least I hope that is the case.
But in photos or in the mirror this face is not me.
This face hurts physically and emotionally.
And to say the least I don’t like it.
Between losing a tooth on one side and the other side feeling like Ronda Rousey must have felt in her last match it is hard to like my face much, in real life I see elegance in it but in pictures it is like Dorian Gray, it just doesn’t look anything like me
Now I am paying for my vanity all the times people thought I was 5 to 10 years younger than I was.