Ok this is pretty much a WOE IS ME post but sometimes I need to vent
I really really feel as if I am never going to be ok as if I will never lose this weight again or get healthy.
I can’t deal with the pain at night so I have to dope up to survive the night spasms or I thrash and cry out for hours on end. The day to day aches and pains I survive ok but the agony at night is hell.
The drugs make me sleepy for most of the next day, well that and the fact I barely sleep.
The fatigue makes exercise of any type hard, the drugs stimulate my appetite and slow my metabolism.
Oh and the pain dr says “What we really need is to get you exercising more.” when I ask him about a night time specific pain med. And when I tell him that even walking half a mile more than I usually do means I will spend 6-8 hours crying out in agony instead of 3 -5 hours (and that is after taking all the pain meds and Cogentin I am allowed to) he just breezes over it.
I just can’t seem to control my appetite and now my teeth are getting so bad and sensitive from TMJ (I am shattering fillings and destroying crowns) that I am having the same teeth worked on more than once a year and we aren’t sure my insurance will pay for it. I know they won’t cover dentures.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t feel hungry all the time these days and love crunch.
I love slicing up apples and eating them with a slice or two of cheese, a cup of light yogurt or a serving of cottage cheese but these days even super thin apple slices hurt to chew as do petite baby carrots (one of the few raw or low starch veggies I can eat) I often can’t eat baby pickles without pain because of the crunch and the acidity.
Since my body does best with protein I need to cook meat to the point where I can shred it in a super low sugar sauce.
I can eat Dairy but I am also having to watch out for cheeses, yogurt, and pretty much all dairy because of the calories and my tendency to over eat anything.
With my body so messed up just eating the same amount of sugar that a person who hasn’t had weight loss surgery can eat without a problem causes me to gain weight despite my altered anatomy. And because of the same issue eating even a small amount of sugar triggers cravings so bad that I want to cry.
Thankfully I can’t eat wheat any more because it causes painful inflammation all over my glands and joints for days but I also can’t eat rice, quinoa and other wheat substitutes because they are so high in carbs. I do eat 2 to 3 half cup servings worth of thick cut oats a week to get a little bit of grains in my diet.
Every time I massively over indulge, or let’s call it what it is, binge, I freak out and tell Alex how we are going to change our diet and stop eating sweets (me giving them all up and him at least reducing) and within 48 hours our good intentions have gone to hell.
I need to get serious, the insurance won’t pay to resleeve my stomach or shorten my common channel. The thing is both of these would help with a burst of weight loss but if I can’t fix the other issues I would just gain again.
I still get massive anxiety when I see a really big crippled up person, not upset in disgust but I remember being that big, that crippled and I never want to do that again and yet I keep fucking up my health mostly by eating way too many carbs.
And then I get anxious about binging, or even wanting to binge but since one of my eating triggers is anxiety it is like fighting shadows that can punch back but you can never seem to get in a good shot.
I make plans to change then I fail. And that adds anxiety which makes me want to eat.
Oh yeah and then I feel guilty about how seeing a really big person on a motorcart upsets me and I feel shame which causes anxiety which causes hunger triggers.