Someone asked when did I become obsessed with food and why do I think I became a food junky.
Here is the thing, now a days I think there are many children who are just fat, they have access to junk food, indoor lifestyle and additives that do heaven knows what to their bodies, the damage to many of their psyches comes from how they are treated when they do gain weight.
But 35 years ago (I am 46) that was NOT the case, when I started putting on serious weight around 4th grade I was pretty much the ONLY really overweight kid around and that lasted til well into Jr high. Now I see many kids much younger bigger than I was at 12.
As for when I think my food obsession started I think it was 6 or 7 but probably earlier.
If I had to pick reasons I would say my parents divorce when I was 7 put even more so my developing Borderline personality disorder from age 4 on.
I remember ALWAYS knowing that I did not fit in with other kids, that I annoyed people, children and adults alike and couldn’t control it. To this day I can’t remember many things from my last well but often have vivid recollections of the expressions of annoyance in faces, words or voices and having a 1st grade teacher who openly mocked me for my learning disability and not having attended kindergarten set a lot of that up. As far back as 3 or 4 my mom tells me I was always the target of groups of kids and she told me years later at 3 I would insist that “so and so doesn’t like me”
I think maybe if I ate for any non physical reason it was to sooth that feeling of not belonging in the world. My family loved me but I remember being so sensitive to every imagined or real reaction people had to me. Now years later I realize every child at age 5 doesn’t feel that way, most wait til preteens to be that aware of their ….. Effect? …. on every single person they met. I am not really sure how to explain it.
I was never abused sexually or physically or even emotionally by family or anyone for that matter but my behavior and obsessions with not fitting in where not just precocious but were on the edge of the kind of thing child abuse victims experienced.
I was desperate to please and outside of my family I felt I usually failed to make people like me.
Over time I became obsessed over food, I stole it, I snuck it, and I felt shame.
I now think it started because of what we now know to be insulin resistance and my body even at a young age going insane for sugar, pretty much everyone likes sugar at that age but I thought about it like mad.
It was my comfort but also I felt it was just another failing so I felt shame, resentment and guilt.
I didn’t gain excess weight until I started my period at 9 but even before then I was an outsider, treated like a fat kid would be.
I think that food was a comfort and a self fulfilling prophecy in that once I gained weight I could Try to blame that for not fitting in.
It wasn’t until my mid 30s that I found a group that I felt I belonged to (my Gothic community has been the most accepting bunch i have ever known) and that I felt accepted me as I was and not just for what I could do for them and I now think having that for the 4 years before I started to move forward with Weight Loss Surgery 6.5 years ago was part of why I Could make that choice, knowing I didn’t just have to be the overly sexual BBW, everyone’s fat friend, door mat I always felt I had to be freed me to make a choice to be different knowing most of them would be solidly behind me and they have been.