Even when I am at 200 pounds I have lost 263 pounds…so why does it feel as if I am failing every time the scale bounces over 199 even though it slides back down every few days and does the same 4-8 pound bounce over and over again?
The thing that drives me crazy is if I feel like such a failure why can’t I just make myself lose that 25 pounds to get to my goal?
Why can’t I just work out much harder, and control every bite I take? There are people who do it and yet I dont seem able to get through a day without eating not just “not well” but out and out Wrong. Why do I hurt so much still and why does my moods and energy level tank despite getting healthier and taking my medicines and supplements?
Yes I do understand it isnt easy, I know I will struggle with it like many many other people do for the rest of my life and despite the boost from the weight loss surgery I now have to fight for every pound I want to lose or keep off.
So no it isnt easy anymore but I sure wish it was easier.
I just wish I didnt feel so much guilt and shame at not being where I want to be, not having more energy and want to hear something i know is so fucking stupid? I also feel guilty that my left knee (the soft tissue) is still so damn painful still.
Sorry to bitch and moan but I have been having severe anxiety attacks lately, and my anxiety tends to take the form of guilt and self doubt/self dislike.
Hey it used to be self loathing
So I am getting better right?
And it does happen less often these days, it used to be a near constant thing with me.
Now it happens mostly when I eat wrong.
Which actually makes me wonder if sugar could be triggering my anxiety on a biological level or if it is just the shame of knowing I was stupid about food and also being upset about how it makes me feel physically ill all night.
The thing is I am hyper sensitive to inflammatory triggers, I am finding that many foods cause inflammation in me causing pain and fatigue though many of them effect my body in slightly different ways.
I know that MSG and Wheat/Gluten is inflammatory for me, and wheat products cause fatigue and mood swings.
The thing is sugar is inflammatory for many people, what if this is the reason I feel so weak, so depressed and anxious, so sore and fatigued?
I am going to force myself to not eat many carbs (simple sugars/booze, grains, fruit or sweet veggies) for 3 weeks and document how I feel.
Maybe if this helps it will be the boost I need to continue to resist sugar.