Wish I could say this was a joke, stupid binge

Today was a horrible day, I will admit that I used my Season Affective Disorder, the non stop pouring rain, money and car issues and overall stress as a justification for binging, 2 pecan but rolls and a medium sized bag of Pirates Booty. 
The thing is I AM horribly depressed, it IS raining and cold and dreary and the money I was promised over a month ago is even later than we thought and I am convinced it just won’t happen despite knowing it will.
But THOSE ARE JUST EXCUSES…and excuses are boring. (To quote Unfuck your Habitat)
I didn’t NEED that food, because of my altered anatomy I need healthy higher fat and very high protein foods not candy bars, not corn puffs, not carbs! The worse part is I know better, I know not just that it will actually make things worse but WHY it will and still I did it.
Above and beyond the self loathing for giving in there is the sugar-insulin spike/crash, the increase in serotonin followed by mass cravings for more.  I even know why I wanted the food on a biological level and that it won’t help but still I am miserable, physically my guts hate me, mentally I hate my weakness and emotionally I am still a depressed SAD basket case waiting for the sun to come out.
The only thing I can say on my behalf is on that same trip to the store with my last $11 I bought that crap but also a large avocado, a brick of cream cheese, a Qt of full fat plain Greek yogurt and a gallon of whole milk.
I have a small pulled beef roast with peppers in the crock pot so I added a scoop of yogurt and half a bar of cream cheese and when my guts stop crying out in pain from the pirate attack I will eat some
I wish this was a joke, I also wish I had started the month better but no such luck and I need to remind myself that every minute of every day is a chance to start over…today isn’t completely ruined unless I give up


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