Walking the walk…talking the talk

Lol I decided with 18 mins to spare to actually do what I have told others to do and stop making excuses and go get my protein powder …I live by Morris Hill Cemetery and Vitamin shoppe is on Milwaukee opposite the mall…got dressed and drove there and bought it with my last cash with 1 minute to spare.
I have been out of my Nectar Protein (the only one I can stomach at all) for 5-6 weeks, in that time my sugar/carb addiction went through the roof and I gained between 7-9 pounds so now I am going to do one for breakfast and brunch and eat healthier and smaller the rest of the day.
My excuse for not getting it was “it is so damn costly” (Amazon $33 …VitShoppe $43) but I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT I have spent at least $80 on junk food snacks for just me every month this last 6 months.  I can get 2 bottles a month of my protein via Amazon for that much.
That, by the way, is about the amount of time I have been stressing out and suffering from anxiety so badly…that anxiety has been my biggest excuse to snack.
The big thing is though sugar can make anxiety worse (at least with my health issues it can)
Guilt makes my stress worse, and I use that as a reason to not do things and eat badly.
Feeling lethargic from not getting enough protein or exercise and too much sugar makes me not want to move which weakens me which brings up, fear, anxiety, guilt and increases my pain. 
When I hurt I want to do nothing but lay around and when I do I tend to snack. This as always causes guilt.
My guilt increases my Borderline personality disorder which makes it harder for me to not only understand what’s really going on but to stand up to people treating me in ways I don’t like without having obsessive thoughts and behaviors get in the way which bring up self loathing which I sooth with food which increases the guilt…and on and on and on….
This is a right fucking Round Robin of how to destroy my life.
So if I am going to talk the talk to others about health and treating yourself right I need to walk the walk…long and far.
THE PLAN SO FAR…
Get 120 grams of protein a day (my weight loss surgery makes me need more) including 2 servings of protein powder a day, 28 oz of milk, meat, cheese etc.
Cut simple sugar down ASAP … All simple carbs, snack food, rice, popcorn are out, I can’t just reduce like a normal person so even if it is hard I will go cold turkey.
Reduce the fruit I am eating to 4 servings (like 2 apples a day cut in halves so I eat them 4 times a day) with protein…almond butter or cheese (I have actually been binging on apples and canned fruit)
Drink 80 oz of plain water over and above everything else I drink
Walk every day until walking a mile at a time doesn’t hurt and I can join the gym in March without being crippled by it.
Get out more, do things out of the house more often, move, be active socially and physically.
Keep on top of the house work and organization plans to reduce guilt and to move more.
Be less passive aggressive, tell people if I am annoyed, be honest about what I feel and think and take my meds and vitamins 100% of the time (been doing great about 95% of the time the last  3weeks)
Take much better care of me personally.

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