Darkness and light in my mind

I know that depression is a chemical imbalance and not a failing but I honestly also believe that with medication, therapy and retraining our thoughts we can cope better.


I have a pretty wonderful life actually but I am prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder more so than most because of my BiPolar disorder even though it is treated and I usually manage the BiPolar aspect of it well.


I am doing what needs doing, self care, light therapy, staying on my meds, eating higher protein and controlling my sugar intake but it takes time and so I am working to accept that at THIS moment I feel this way due to my bio chemistry and that I should not be ashamed of anything other than not doing everything in my power to make it better.


I can also fight to change my thoughts, they are negative right now largely due to messed up brain chemistry reacting to a lack of strong light and other seasonal changes but giving in and accepting the mental darkness won’t help anymore than refusing to light up my day with a light therapy. So I tell myself it will be ok, then when that depressed little voice howls “no it won’t” from the darkness I will show it kindness and shine a light into its eyes until it shuts the fuck up.

I have suffered severe mental instability since puberty and finally found the right medical treatment, many people, including Alex have been misdiagnosed and improperly medicated and thankfully he got off that cycle…but for me going off isn’t an option.
I also am lucky to have amazing friends and family and in a way I am lucky that for a while every year darkness and cold make me a tearful moody bitch so that I can remember what 1/10th of the hell I went through from 9 to 32 was like and so I don’t give up trying to be better, be happy, stay healthy (and for me that includes medicated) and it reminds me how important my friends are and how much being positive and trying to help others means.
Every year I think I will catch it and every year it sneaks up, but in the past before full spectrum light therapy, getting healthier and the right medication I slept up to 14+ hours a day and cried most of the winter and would add 10-20 pounds a year between Oct and April. Now a few weeks a year I get really down and I still crave sweets but I head that off mostly and I can live with that.


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