Waves

FUCK!!!!!
I feel it building in me, random, momentary waves of totally meaningless depression or anger, like a sick knot in my gut and a band around my chest that makes it hard to swallow .
Why can’t I just yell NO, Stop and head it off like misbehaving cats?
If I feel it coming why can’t I stop it?
I never know if this will be a trickle of a wave that does nothing more than annoy me and makes me feel washed out for a while or a sweeping high tide that knocks me for a loop, sweeping me off my feet for day or worse if this will be the tsunami that destroys my life….the storm I never find my way out of.
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The thing is that is the underlying fear isn’t it? That one of these days the medicine that has been my sea wall for over a decade will fail and nothing will stop the crazy pain, the sorrow, anger, fear and anxiety from filling up every inch of my life again and that this time it will pull me under.
Maybe it will be a minute of fear, an hour of sorrow, a second of blinding rage a moment of sadness or maybe it won’t stop.

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