Becoming someone I like

I am in a very evolutionary place in my life, I am intentionally choosing to change how I behave in response to many things, how I choose to think and feel about what happens around me and I am teaching myself new ways to think about things.
I choose how I react to outside stimulus, I can try to learn to let obsessive thoughts go because they tear apart my ability to enjoy the wonderful life I am trying to have.  Living in the past by replaying perceived slights and insults takes away from my pleasure in everyday things as much as allowing fear and worry about the future to rule me does.
All of my life my mind has been stuck either in the future dreading what might happen or lost in the past replaying moments of anger and shame over and over again.  It is related to an illness I have called Borderline personality disorder, it is treatable to some extent with medicine (Abilify in my case) and cognitive therapy, learning to recognize thought patterns and intentionally change them before they take hold and if they do learning to let go of anger and fear before they ruin your mood so badly it cascades into a meltdown.
I need to find a way to start living for NOW, to experience things in a more full and beneficial way.
Mindfulness is the act of actually experiencing and fully observing and taking part in the moment…for me a good example of this is eating. Mindful eating means you are aware of everything you eat, you make an effort to taste, smell, feel and enjoy your food instead of mindlessly shoving food into your mouth…it also means being aware of WHY you eat what you eat.
The same concept can be used to observe why you react how you do to certain things, to how people treat you, how you physically feel or what mood you are in.  It takes time to learn to be aware of yourself while not losing touch with other people’s needs, it takes an effort to accept that what you experience and what you feel matter and that you can choose how you react to those thoughts and experiences.
I want to be a better person not just inside of myself but for those around me, I want to find peace and a sense of true joy in living a life not ruled by anger and anxiety.
I don’t seek a spiritual break through in the way of religion or in seeking to find some guiding force outside of myself that I could give up control to, quite the opposite.  I am seeking to find balance inside of myself, to live in the moment and to become the person I want to spend every minute with forever.



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