Not fearing being alone

I am a very social person. It partly comes from issues i had with Borderline personality disorder which for decades caused me to equate being alone with being not just lonely but abandoned.  I have found meds (abilify) and self directed therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy…intentionally changing your thoughts by correcting yourself)
It must be working because I have finally begun to be more comfortable with being alone at home and in public, I have always hated shopping or going to coffee alone and now it doesn’t bug me as much.
Yes I still enjoy company but there was a time when if friends couldn’t meet up with me I would make it about me in my head. In my mind I had obviously done something wrong or they would want to be there…now I realize we all have our own issues and not everything is about me, and I can finally sit around, listening to music, drawing or reading and not feel unwanted.
That fear of being alone was the same reason I had “friends” who treated me badly, I thought more friends was a safe way to not be alone.
I was wrong, now I realize good friends care about you, they don’t use you and they actually return favors and when they can’t be there you know in your heart it is because they don’t have a choice.  They also don’t hold it against you if you are sick, tired or too broke to do something.
I am becoming much more comfortable with who I am and that allows me to be happier with the world around me.  I am not so much inside myself, so wrapped up in discomfort, mentally and physically, so I can enjoy the world around me, the feels, sounds and other sensations that make up life.
I don’t fear being alone, I don’t need to fill every minute with noise…I am enjoying silence because I don’t fear my thoughts anymore.


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