The haze of my past

I have recently realized how hazy the details of my past before age 30 is. (14.5 years ago) I remember many actual events but cannot put them in context well to when they happened even just in comparison to other events unless I really dig in my mind.  I have a hard time says “at 23 I lived at ______” I meet people who remember me from my 20s but other than a few I know now or who were very close I have no clue who those people are.
I have had 3 minor head injuries in my life and was badly mismanaged on meds until I was 30 when I got on Wellbutrin which I am still on (coincidence much?)
I know I used to be smarter, my mind was sharper and my memory clear, it was also full of rage and sorrow and self loathing and I have gotten past it a lot though I still have a mild form of PTSD related to on going emotional abuse from multiple people. 
And I won’t lie, I did not like the person I was in my Teens and Twenties, I have been told I was a good person but all I remember other than a few occasions is feeling unwanted, used and broken.  I have felt many of those feeling since but not as the over riding everything it used to be.
I am glad for the life I have now, the friends and family who love me, I am proud of the person I have become but there will always be that other me somewhere in that haze trying to remind me how it felt to be unloved, to feel unlovable, and to be broken in so many pieces that I never found them all and so I had to forge new pieces to make myself ,if not whole, then functional.


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