Valium take me away…oh wait that’s Calgon

The evening shift nurse was asking me about my 5 mg Valium that I take before bed (or in this case 7pm) and was I taking it for spasms (yes it helps those) or for anxiety.  She said she was surprised I needed it since it seems as if I am very calm and in control and in a good mood all day.
I quietly and calmly said it helps me sleep despite the pain which tends to make it hard to sleep and most sleep meds don’t mix well with my pain meds.
Which by the way is all true.
What I didnt point out is that while I am not exactly freaking out and even though my pain has only been above a 5 out of 10 for a few minutes it has been around a 3.5 all day. That is irritating and uncomfortable and feels as if I ran twice as far as I should up hill in the heat. Imagine a perpetual leg cramp from hip to mid calf that doesn’t really go all the way away even with strong meds. Not to mention the hours I spend icing my leg, which I hate.
I didn’t point out that I have been awake nearly non stop for over 14 hours, 14 hours of pain, of not being able to go to the restroom by myself or leave my room without accompaniment and of the multitude of weird noises associated with a nursing facility when I am use to and really enjoy long periods of silence and then there are the people checking on me every 40 mins or so and my having no appetite but knowing I need to eat to heal and of knowing I have 2-3 more weeks of this.
So yes the Valium is for sleep, and spasms but also most of all, for anxiety and so that I can do this all over again tomorrow and behave (and to some extent be) happy, content and in control of myself and most of all be positive.
It doesn’t take it all away (it’s not like it is Calgon) it just gives me some distance from it long enough to actually sleep not just doze and to start fresh in the very early morning.

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