So I looked up “fitness motivation” on Pinterest and these are just 3 of the hundreds and hundreds of hard bodies and skinny women that are posted there with that as a tag.
Don’t get me wrong if they are healthy and happy then wonderful (the last one looks sad but it may be the angle) but they do not motivate me.
The thing is I know that I will NEVER look like those women, even with $70,000 worth of horribly painful plastic surgery and personal training I won’t look like that and to even just be what I personally consider healthy could take years and sometimes I disgust myself by being so very discouraged by that fact.
Most of the time, in fact pretty much the vast majority of the time I don’t mind that I will never look like that, or even look “normal” without clothes on. No what gets me down some times is realizing how far I have to go and how long it will take. Not only am I still very weak compared to how I want to be but in less than a month I get to start over the painful journey to rebuild my leg and I know even if I work at it the other leg will get weaker again. So even though in 4 months I will hopefully be much better off than I am now overall I will be sort of starting over again.
The thing is all I really want is to be strong and able to move without pain.
I want to walk miles, if I never Run a 5k then that is fine but someday I want to walk one, or ten.
I may never ride up and down rough trails on a mountain bike but I damn well want to ride all over town on old fashion cruise bike.
I may never have rippling muscles (and since I don’t plan to have plastic surgery who would ever know?) but I do want to be able to carry a big load of groceries in the house without discomfort.
Oh yeah and to not get tired just doing things like drawing and typing because my arms are weak.
I don’t care who ever sees my muscles but I want to be able to feel them working.
Sadly it won’t be abundant pictures like these that will motivate me because my motivation must come from within, both mentally and physically.
I really am not very concerned with how my body looks, it will always look like I lost hundreds of pounds if I stick with it but I care how it feels inside the skin. I sort of think of my loose skin as camouflage, if I work hard enough I will end up strong underneath.
The thing is only those who have known me for years, who have seen me when I filled my skin to the brim, who knew me when I could barely walk a block, who have seen me limp, hobble and stumble will know just how much of a change there has been.
Those people will look and see more than a middle aged woman in an oversized skin suit, they will see me move smoother than I ever have, they will look at my face and realize that they don’t see pain etched into it but instead see determination in my eyes. I am doing this for myself, for my health but I also want to be able to do things with and for my friends and family that I can’t do now.
So no while these women are impressive they are not what motivates me.