Forgiveness is hard but necessary

I am feeling much better, I am able to exercise with care again, and after a recent emotional trauma that brought up a great deal of anger, rage, pain and fear I am cooling down and trying to let go of it all so that I can understand why this incident upset me so greatly and to keep the same thing from repeating again.
In examining why I am so hurt by what happened I am starting to let go of a lot of the things that are holding me back. I realized that I had allowed myself to be victimized by the most dangerous of things, a victim who insists on forcing you to live their pain and anger until it fills you up with their toxins. The saddest part of that is while their actions fill you with their sickness it doesn’t really relieve any of their burden. 
And so I am working to rid myself of this poison, I will not be victim of anything, not the past, not anger, not pain, not fate…not of myself and certainly not of problems and pasts that are not mine in the first place. 
I will keep moving forward and never allow myself to be dragged into the dark past again, past is past, I will carry on my way to a brighter future if I have to crawl to get to my goals but someday I will walk proudly, someday I will run towards the good things and not away from the bad and nothing behind me will hold me down.
People talk a lot about “forgiveness”, that they forgive because it is what they are told is the right thing to do, sadly those people often have no true idea what it means to forgive.
Part of forgiveness is releasing anger and pain, forgiving yourself as well as those who hurt or angered you and LETTING IT ALL FUCKING GO!
To forgive is not the same as to forget, it is to be able to look back without animosity, without rage, to stop rehashing old dramas, to learn your lessons, accept that others had reasons for what they did and no matter how fucked and wrong those reasons are saying to yourself that the past and that person and their reasons do not and will not control your present or your future.  Forgiveness is to focus on moving forward free of pain, free of the chains of grief and rage and blame.  Forgiveness is difficult because it means that you give up being a victim, you take responsibility for your current and future actions and you choose to move forward instead of being mired down in the filth and muck of the past. 
I am far from perfect, right now I have a lot I am trying to forgive, years upon years of anger and hurt that is not all mine to deal with that were thrust upon me against my will.  There is also a great deal of self recrimination at having failed myself in so many ways.
But the thing is I AM working on it, working on letting go and going forward, not because I am told that it is right to forgive or that forgiveness is divine but because I do not wish to carry other people’s burdens anymore, I will not carry their pain and I will not carry the memories of my own past pain.
Because you see, it is ALL in the past and my future lays before me free of the chains of rage and grief. It may take time but I will not be full of anger, pain and resentment forever because doing so takes up the place of love, joy and happiness and pushes people away and I never intend to be that person.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s