“I should be doing something” “I should be doing more”
Those words are like a lament in my mind, a constant condemnation on repeat and I don’t seem able to let go of the feeling that I am failing everyone but most of all myself by not getting enough done everyday.
I tell myself I am doing as much as I can, that I need to be careful and not wipe myself out and trigger a worse bout of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome symptoms by over doing, but still the lament of my failings rings in my ears.
And yet I lay here, in just enough pain, just tired enough that the other part of me that wants to sleep, to slack, to veg, that can’t motivate uses it as an excuse that keeps me from doing what needs doing.
I need to learn to control the guilt and over rule the slacker all at the same time and just do what I can as often as I can and stop feeling so much guilt.
One of the ways I am going to do this is instead of just writing a TO DO LIST I will be writing a DID IT LIST of all the things I do each day to show myself that I actually do more than I think (and I will be posting a weeks worth at a time) I am also keeping track with my own 1-6 scale how I am feeling and where my energy level is each day
This is also about how much harder it is for me to do something that day then it should be…like 3x as hard
I spend most of my life switching between 3 and 4
The scale goes like this
#1. Feeling great, little pain and tons of energy
#2. Mild aches and pains, kind of tired but no where near wiped out
#3. Moderately sore, tired enough to somewhat effect my ability to do stuff
#4. Majorly Hurting and or really tired, everything feels like a big effort
#5. Severe enough pain to stay pretty seriously doped up most of the day, can barely stay awake
#6. Hurts bad enough that I can’t sleep no matter how much I want to and the pain meds don’t help at all.