Changing thoughts

I am trying to accept that just because someone’s life seems to be going to hell in a hand basket doesn’t mean I can or should do anything to try to stop them.
If they choose to repeat the same mistakes over and over all you can really do is stand back and watch and after a while you will realize that you can only be there afterwards for the victims of their behaviors because cleaning up after the actual person only encourages their behavior.
After years of using my mental illness (and weight) as an excuse for not doing better I now say “I have bi-polar disorder, I am not A bi-polar, I am more than my illness.” I seek to be more than a collection of symptoms and disfunctional behaviors. I am more than my bodies frailties and more than my inherited illnesses.  I can choose to be strong, choose to make changes or I can choose to continue down the path I was on for a very long time, flailing about in the darkness, destroying my chances at happiness because it was “too hard” to change things.
It took me a long time to accept that what was really hard was not change but staying the same.
I have not always even realized how my actions were effecting Me but I have always tried my entire life to not carelessly hurt others while using my illness as an excuse, I have on occasion failed but at least I try my damndest.  Having people in my life who would be effected as much as I would be if I backslide is a great motivation to keep working on making myself function better and to stay healthy.
So I now refuse to be defined by my illnesses, I am more than a manic, more than a depressive, I am more than fat, I am more than crippled, more than a sugar addict, I am more than crazy.
But I have to accept that for some people that is what they are, (fill in the blank for the mental disorder), they are their illness because it is their crutch, their excuse to themselves and others to never have to do better.  In the long run it is the excuses we make to ourselves that tear us down worse than the ones we make to others.
It took me years to learn to be more than an excuse and I am still fighting hard to over come that habit so I need to simply hope others around me will learn it on their own and make sure I am not in a position to be harmed or used.
Sometimes you just have to step back and let people negotiate their own mind fields.


One thought on “Changing thoughts

  1. Jackie says:

    This was beautifully written and very insightful!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s