A lot of people say they understand mental illness, a lot of people are wrong.
Imagine what it is like to wake up one day (or 4 so far this year) fundamentally a different person than who you usually are.
To pride yourself on generally being a happy person despite near constant physical pain and on being able to usually control the worst side of your nature and put forward a mostly happy or at least humorous front. To spend the vast majority of your life not saying things because they might hurt others.
Now imagine that out of nowhere for no real reason you have anger filling you up, not just anger which is an emotion but RAGE the kind that is a physical thing.
Rage that spreads from your mind to your chest to your guts until you feel as if your insides are full of writhing flaming snakes trying to eat their way out.
To feel that every naturally silly snarky thought you have about things but seldom say are being corrupted into hateful drops of acid trying to burn holes in your life and seeking to get free to destroy friendships. That you will say or do things so hurtful that those same people who profess to understand what you are going through will be badly hurt and any relationship you have with them will be irrevocably shattered.
Imagine also that part of you is an otherwise rational observer to all of this, imagine that it sees this happening, it knows it is wrong, it tries to scream at you but like in some dream all that comes out is a croaking groan and an overwhelming sense of helplessness.
This is what I am dealing with. I know it is related to my seasonal affective disorder and that it might effect me and my moods for a day or another week or another month or ….. well who knows.
The thing is I KNOW that I am being irrational, I just can’t seem stop it right now, that is what mental illness is, not being able to control a behavior even when part of you is aware it is not a good idea. I always hear about people so crazy that they don’t know the difference between right and wrong, maybe that is the difference between just being mentally I’ll and being bats shit crazy.
And since I am way too tempted to express my irrational, angry and far more than snarky thoughts on every subject right now and since I feel as if I am pissing people off left and right on line and in my day to day life and since I am far to close to exploding I am taking a break from social interaction for a bit. I am not sure for how long or to what extent, it might be a day it might be far longer but I know if I can just get a handle on this I will be OK.
I believe that part of the problem is my light therapy, apparently I have been using it at the wrong times for too long and for it to work I need to keep a schedule and use it for 15 minutes between 6:30am and 8am on otherwise clear days when I can make an effort to get out into natural sunlight and an extra 15 minutes late morning or early afternoon on cloud covered days.
We will see how it works.