clicking and keep moving

I had Alex put his hand on my knee recently when I was having a bad day and it was grinding, I think he was a little bit shocked by just how much you can actually feel it click and grind just putting your hand on my knee.
I wanted him to get an idea just how bad it gets so that if I get grumpy, if I get depressed or snap a bit he can maybe try to remember what it felt like from the outside and try to understand how much worse it is living with it all the time.
Pain wears you down, it eats away at your joy for life and tries to kill your creativity, the fact that I have not given up and hidden away, have not stopped enjoying life or trying to create is just stubbornness and the sheer luckiness of being born with a hell of a lot of joi de vie.
If I had a different nature, different personality (which is a mix of my genetics and upbringing) and different support network then I might give up, stop trying to do better and give up trying to live a happy, creative, love filled life.
I really believe that a person’s ability to enjoy life has a lot to do with both their genetic make up and the way they are taught to experience the world and how they learn to face adversity. I use to confuse people by saying “I am depressed but in a pretty good mood.” A dr once confirmed that you can be physically depressed but depending on the situation you might not be unhappy really. Depression is in my case at least a series of physical symptoms, sometimes those symptoms do include overwhelming sadness while other times no as much.
Pain can trigger waves of sadness without other depression symptoms but I remind myself that the feeling is transitory and just like my bouts of depression they are awful but transitory. I will get through it,no point in dwelling on it, or basking in the pain and sorrow or eating up the drama with a spoon.
things to remind myself of.


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