riding out the storm in my mind

I am not fishing for compliments at all…I know what I have been feeling off and on the last few days is NOT TRUE I know it is my mind and biochemistry fucking with me for being so bad about taking ALL of my meds (I have been averaging half of them a day for a week)
I know that I am NOT stupid, unbelievably lazy, ugly, ancient, a monstrous burden on everyone I love, disgusting, the most annoying person in the world or unlovable….I KNOW it…but that doesn’t mean that off and on all day I have not FELT like that way.  This last few days I feel as if have no talent, no motivation, no drive to create, I just feel anticipation when I look at art supplies, and if all the other feelings didn’t scream DEPRESSION that one does.
I dont feel that way all the time and I am not someone who needs to be told I am wonderful all the time because usually the truth, the fact that I am a good person who is loved is enough for me, even when I worry about my intelligence due to my illness I know I am not stupid by any means just easily confused. Also I really hate the feeling that I had to beg for compliments so that is not the point of this, I guess I just need to vent a little to release some of the feelings of being horrible my bi-polar brain is flooding me with.
I KNOW I am not all those bad things but it doesn’t change the fact that those feelings have been hitting me like waves in a storm all day and it is worse than PMS because I know it is my fault for not being more careful in taking my meds.
I am hoping they change my dose soon, waiting for insurance approval sucks but in the meantime I need to get serious and stop fucking around with taking my meds and take care of myself the way I deserve.


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