Lately I have felt totally worthless, I just seem to be fucking up left and right, now I can’t even “donate” plasma to help pay for my own vitamins ($65 a month min) because I forgot to list a piercing last time and so now I am permanently deferred from ever even selling my plasma. Just one more thing I have fucked up lately.
I will be ok, but right now I feel damaged beyond measure and I feel as if what should be little potholes in my life are turning into sinkholes, you know the type that eat house and cars and start huge water main breaks.
But this may be just the cosmic kick in the teeth I need to get my act together.
I will not give in to this depression, I will not use it to justify my behaviors, it isnt an excuse to get drunk, to eat wrong, to abuse myself physically or mentally & it sure as hell is not an excuse to treat other people badly. Depression is a catch 22, you have to fight it tooth & nail but it makes you just want to wallow in the suffering but if you accept it, fail to try to fight it, then you CHOOSE to keep it.
I am not saying it is easy to get over depression, I have suffered from it since I was 10, in the last 32 years I learned one thing, you can not give in, you can’t feed your depression by doing the things you will end up hating yourself for in the long run. You have to try everything to make it better even if most of it doesn’t help the act of trying can keep you from going under the waves. You may feel as if you are drowning but if you keep trying to get better you at least stand a chance of treading water long enough to survive til things get better. Even when it seems like the hardest thing you have ever done.
Last night I couldn’t sleep, now a days my non-SAD depression agitates me instead of making me sleep for days, though it never lasts overly long it tends to be much more emotional and less physical. At one point I found myself thinking “I wish I could just sleep this away like I did when I was young and unmedicated. ”
That is the trap of depression it is almost like a siren’s song to give up, give in and just let it overcome you, but you can’t just give in. Never forget the sirens destroyed their victims after driving them insane.
I will not be dragged under, I spent too many years being depressed, sleeping all day and night, I wasted a lot of time in a funk…now it is time to change things.