Everyday people with everyday stories, single paragraphs to tell bits of their lives, moments of joy, realizations both positive and painful and times of horrible sorrow. We all have them, not always these exact ones but everyone pretty much understands lost chances, the feeling of simple happiness, gratitude and even surprise at the behavior of others and pain. That is what makes these stories so intense.
The page I listed are the most intense ones and of course their are just plain old day to day thoughts but I have cried and thought a lot in the 3+ hours I have read this site last night and tonight, out of happiness and sadness.
It made me realize a few things…
#1 My grandfather was a great man, not because he accomplished a lot of material things, my grandparents lived simply, but he loved his family and his wife til the day he died even as he began to forget who they were he loved them. My grandfather may not of always realized I was “Nancy’s Daughter, your grand daughter” but until the last few days he always greeted me with a smile and a “why hello there.” He loved the life he had and did not mourn the things he did not have. We should all be so lucky.
#2 My health is good, for all my problems I am very healthy, if my worse problem is an unruly gut and the need to lose weight, for which I have a great deal of surgical and personal support, then I am lucky. People suffer illness everyday, yes I have mental illness but there are people walking down streets in stained and filthy clothes and safe in mental hospitals who dont know what is real and who are tormented every minute of every day by the demons of their own brains. My knees are bad, but I have legs, my fingers swell at random but at least I have arms, my hair thinned after surgery but at least I did not go through painful chemo and lose it all. I am pretty damn lucky.
#3 I have my family. My family has ALWAYS loved me and accepted me for who I am, funny hair, strange clothes and odd lifestyle. They have bent over backwards to help me. My Dad has not always been there as much as I might like but he has always told me he is proud of me even when I felt there was nothing to be proud of. My family thinks I am so creative even though I have never lived off of the art I make and to me the most important thing is they think I am a GOOD person, they see me as a person who helps, who loves, who is there and who lives a decent life. They do not judge me if I have different beliefs then they do and they accept who I am.
#4 I have friends. My mom is always shocked by how many friends I have, she has always been the type of person who has maybe 1 or 2 people she is close to who are not family and she is fine with it. She has asked me how many of my friends I consider REAL FRIENDS I told her at least a dozen are truly deeply my friends, another dozen are worth being closer friends with but we just never have time to get together enough and yes there are maybe another dozen or two who are just nice people I like and who like me. My friends are the ones others call freaks, Goths, punks, artists, gay, strait and in between, all very eclectic and yet they have accepted me as I am and supported my choices in life. Even in that group of outsiders it would be very easy for them to not accept me, I am VERY Fat (still) and usually quite a bit older then they are, I am not punk, not a hipster and not as goth as many of them are. I am me and they seem to like that so who am I to argue?
#5 I am loved and I am lovable. This is something I have doubted all my life and now I realize that not only am I loved by a bunch of wonderful people and one amazing man in particular but I am actually worthy and deserving of that love. I dont say that to be vain but I have doubted it my entire life and now I realize I am a decent person, flaws and all and I try to accept them in most people as well. I have met what I truly believe to be the love of my life and it took going through hell to find him but more to the point it took finding myself worth and realizing I did deserve to be treated right and loved honestly to allow myself to trust. Many of my relationships, all of them actually have made me cry on a regular basis, some much more than others and Alex has never made me cry. I do not claim to have put aside every fear and ingrained paranoia I have acquired in my life where relationships are concerned but I am getting better at trusting and he makes it so easy I dont even think of it most of the time.
#6 I am creative, I may not be the best artist in the word or even close but i take amazing joy from the fact that I create things and that I am surrounded by creative, imaginative people who support and respect my art. I would rather take great joy at doodling then be the best technical artist in the world who finds no joy in creation.
#7 (my lucky number) I am Happy… I really dont need to say more. I am HAPPY.