The dream I had

Some people may know but I was involved with a guy in ‘08 whom I had know for years and fell “in love” with who subsequently lied and cheated and stole my faith in myself and in the end knocked up a 16 yr old girl and went to prison.

I had him in my life as a friend for 3 years and a boyfriend for 10 months (oddly enough that is the time he is due to serve) and during that time he would simply not come home, lie to me about it and despite obvious signs I forgave him time and again. I realize now my illness (borderline personality disorder) was in affect, my fear of giving up and being alone was making me allow this treatment, treatment I now see I truly did not deserve.

I have recently met a new guy, who asks nothing from me but my affection, honesty and that I treat him with the respect I want and he gives me all that back and more. Meeting him, spending time with him has helped me a lot, the first night we spent talking all night and the next day I had a dream, not the kind you would hope for after a romantic night.

I dreamed about my ex.

In my dream I ran in to Tom at a bar type setting and he looked awful and I kept telling him I don’t want to talk to you but he followed me around and showed me his scars…”132 stitches from prison” and kept telling me he needed me to forgive him.

In the dream I told him I understand that is how they treat 30 yr old men who get 16 yr old girls pregnant and told him but that I could not forgive him. I said that I did not want him to suffer I just wanted him to stay out of my life forever.

I told him that I did not forgive him that I realize now that I only need to forgive myself, that I did not deserve to be treated like that and that I should never have allowed myself to be treated badly. I told him that I did not fail him, I failed myself and that he would not be forgiven but I would be able to get on with my life.

I woke up feeling free, for once remembering a dream in detail, something I seldom ever do, I woke up realizing I had not been letting myself get close to any men in the last year and that is part of why I have been so lonely and untrusting of men.

I am ready to go on, and if I am lucky I now have someone to help me move forward.

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