what’s wrong with me? pt 1

Really, seriously, what’s wrong with me? Why do I keep doing these stupid ass things like:
Charging breakfast at a local café I go to most every day when #1 I can not afford it and #2 should not be eating non-diet food right now and #3 half the time feel like I am not wanted there? Did I mention I am suppose to be cutting way way back on caffeine so that I can be totally stopped by the 12th of April?
Going to Big City Coffee downtown when #1 I can’t afford it, #2 I ALWAYS end up eating food I should not be thinking of much less putting in my mouth and just end up feeling guilty about? Note what I said about caffeine above….
Buying way too many art supplies when #1 I can’t afford them #2 I don’t need them because #3 I have way too many now and #3 I keep buying things just cause they are on sale and #4 occasionally I don’t even know what to do with them?
Other things I do I hate… still give in once in while to bulimic episodes even though I know it will hurt me… Borrowing money from family members I can never pay back… getting worn out on work I have to do and not being able to go on with it at all… getting crushes on guys who have no interest in me at all… going to the bar and buying drinks I #1 can’t afford (notice a theme here?) and #2 need to stop drinking by April 12th…. the list goes on.
I am 41 yrs old I SHOULD be somewhat in control of what I do in life and yet I act like a spoiled teenager who can’t make decisions for themselves and it is embarrassing.
So here I am today with “borrowed” money, having charged a breakfast I should not have had (chicken fried chicken steak and eggs with way too much coffee to help wake me up after the 2 drinks I had last night) I am now sitting in Big City having had a white bagel, a small frosted brownie and a LARGE mocha with the heaviest whipped cream in the world and I think whole milk because I forgot to tell them 2%…I just threw up and I am getting ready to go buy some art supplies I don’t need.
My surgery is in 8 weeks and I want to be under 400 pounds for it as well as being as healthy as I can be by April 26th. On top of that my income has dropped by about half over the last few months so the way I spend money has to change as well.
To do this I have to change some things in my behavior, tomorrow is March 1st, a good day to implement changes.
#1 I will only go out for coffee or food 3 times a week to start and by April 1st I plan to have that down to 2 times a week times a week, this includes Chef’s Hut, big city coffee (where I wont go alone) and Applebees.
#2 I will eat at home and more carefully than I have in the past, tomorrow I will go grocery shopping and also get a hand blender so I can make smoothies, tonight I will clean out the fridge and figure out what I need. I will allow myself only 2 “snack” type things a week and no more throwing up cause I violate my diet (this has gotten rare and fewer between)
#3 I will put some money down on a bunch of $20 gas cards and give them to my grandmother to hold on to then since I can’t hold myself accountable to myself I will give her the blank card and receipt when I top up the tank.
#4 no more charging anything at the café, if I don’t have the cash I wont go out.
#5 no more drinking alcohol except for my one party on the 10th of April and by then I intend to be weened off of coffee.
#6 I will weigh every two weeks til surgery to keep track of my loss and to keep me motivated.
#7 I will finish organizing my craft room, make a list of projects I am doing, that I want to do and supplies I NEED as opposed to want then budget for them
Anyway I am sure there will be more plans asI go along and I will post them here

One thought on “what’s wrong with me? pt 1

  1. Good luck on your quest to lose weight. But there really is no such thing as “diet food” just healthier options. You can start by eating something small and healthy everyday instead of restricting all the “bad” things you’re having.

    Doing small little things make it easier to be healthier in the long-term. Like substituting one thing you’d normally have like a cream cheese bagel for an English muffin with half the cream cheese you usually add. Best of luck!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s