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Body and soul

I use to be over 450 pounds and I modeled nude nd was comfortable with my body because I was told by a certain group of people that I was sexy and I let that effect me and how I saw myself. 
But I have lost 265 and while at 198 pounds I am still officially fat I have not been comfortable in my skin which is rather saggy actually (understatement alert)
Anyway much of this last month was spent in orthopedic rehab and I had to have monitored showers so that I didn’t fall. 
My first one was with a man (gay but a man still) who had to sit there and make sure I could work the shower sprayer and not fall off the shower chair.
For about 2 minutes I was embarrassed then the joy of my first shower in 5 days hit me and I could have cared less…we chatted and realized he knew my mom and my shower went by quickly.
In the 3 weeks I was there I had 9 showers and 3 skin checks (nurse checking for cuts and bruises everywhere visible) and for the first week I had to call a CNA to take me to the bathroom and until the 5th day when I was cleared as stable enough I had to have the door open.
I lost all shame or embarrassment about this body, about my saggy baggy skin.   My husband has always loved me regardless and now I understand why, you see I am not my body, I am a spirit (or mind or whatever it is that makes me me if you prefer) in a body.  This body, no matter the size does not define my worth or my value and I won’t let myself forget that. 

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My mom

Here is the wonderful thing about my mom and my grandmother for that matter:
My mom knows that my brother Eric and I are adults, and we are so lucky that she is proud to see that we will continue to evolve as human beings until we die because unlike many people in the world we were taught, largely by her, that to stop growing, to stop evolving and to give up on becoming more than you are now is to stop seeking to be your own personal definition of happy, smart and content.
And we were taught that that is sad.
She doesn’t seek to control either of us and while she will give us advice she never holds it against us if we don’t take it, my mom treats us like adults even when she thinks of us as her kids.
She taught us to want to learn, learn all kinds of things no matter how odd or esoteric as long as we enjoy knowing about things.  She admires both of us despite there being a huge difference between my brother and I in careers, life paths and creativity.
One important thing for me at least is the fact that she doesn’t ever make me feel as if I failed for not being a highly educated professional like my brother, she judges and praises us on our own merits.
Because of her I have developed a determination to not give up on myself and recently that has really come in handy.
People all over decide they are “done,” all finished growing up and so why seek to be more? And personally I can’t imagine thinking that I have nothing left to learn, nothing left to develop on a mental, creative or spiritual level. (my own personal definition of spiritual is the willingness to go the extra mile to be a good person and the willingness to feel connected to life around me)
One of the most important things my mom has given to  us both is the desire to be good people by our own definition and to define happiness and success for ourselves and not worry too much what others think.
She gave us that and she continues to give us the gift of being our friend and letting us know she loves and admires us as adult people.
I would choose to be her friend if she wasn’t already my mom and I like to think she would choose me as friend if we were not mother and daughter.

by

My mom

Here is the wonderful thing about my mom and my grandmother for that matter:
My mom knows that my brother Eric and I are adults, and we are so lucky that she is proud to see that we will continue to evolve as human beings until we die because unlike many people in the world we were taught, largely by her, that to stop growing, to stop evolving and to give up on becoming more than you are now is to stop seeking to be your own personal definition of happy, smart and content.
And we were taught that that is sad.
She doesn’t seek to control either of us and while she will give us advice she never holds it against us if we don’t take it, my mom treats us like adults even when she thinks of us as her kids.
She taught us to want to learn, learn all kinds of things no matter how odd or esoteric as long as we enjoy knowing about things.  She admires both of us despite there being a huge difference between my brother and I in careers, life paths and creativity.
One important thing for me at least is the fact that she doesn’t ever make me feel as if I failed for not being a highly educated professional like my brother, she judges and praises us on our own merits.
Because of her I have developed a determination to not give up on myself and recently that has really come in handy.
People all over decide they are “done,” all finished growing up and so why seek to be more? And personally I can’t imagine thinking that I have nothing left to learn, nothing left to develop on a mental, creative or spiritual level. (my own personal definition of spiritual is the willingness to go the extra mile to be a good person and the willingness to feel connected to life around me)
One of the most important things my mom has given to  us both is the desire to be good people by our own definition and to define happiness and success for ourselves and not worry too much what others think.
She gave us that and she continues to give us the gift of being our friend and letting us know she loves and admires us as adult people.
I would choose to be her friend if she wasn’t already my mom and I like to think she would choose me as friend if we were not mother and daughter.

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Need more energy, energy = calories

I can’t believe I am complaining about losing weigh and not being hungry and if it wasn’t for the fact I have to heal asap I would be fine with it. 22 pounds in 4 weeks is right back to where I was just 6 months out of surgery and it would be amazing if I didn’t feel weak and I want to heal as fast as I can so I should be eating 1800 calories (2100 actual calories because I don’t absorb as much) and getting 130 grams of protein and if it wasn’t for protein powder I wouldn’t be getting 50g a day.
I made all this amazing food before I went to rehab, tons of stuff for the man and a bunch just for me.  I made all these different flavors of chicken, pork and beef dishes, put them in small servings from 5 oz to 9.5oz and froze them and now nothing sounds good and it isn’t just that I don’t have any appetite but that the thought of eating most things makes me feel sick to my stomach.  The problem of course is I desperately need calories and protein to heal. 
I need to just go buy some deli cut Bar-S lunch meat (5g protein a slice) and I have cheese sticks (6g protein each) and some almonds and cashews (i enjoy them stirred into yogurt) tonight after Nocturnum and each day I need to put what: I NEED to eat in ziplocs in the fridge and just force myself to nibble a little all day until I go through it.
I know I won’t starve to death if I don’t but I want to heal as well and as fast as I can and that takes energy. I also think the weakness and lack of energy is making the pain more noticeable.

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Feeling down

Feeling really down tonight, want to cry, I miss being with Alex  for more than just a visit, I am worried about him and I miss my house and my cat and my freedom to even walk down a hall by myself.  I am sick of pain and pain meds that make me feel loopy but don’t take all the pain away.  I am sick of the noise and the man next door who plays KBOI at top volume all day and night. I want my own comfy bed and my own wonderful hubby laying next to me.
I know I am doing the right thing being here, I have progressed faster than I would ever imagine possible and I know I would not have done it on my own at home and I just want to do the best I can, there is such a small window of time to get it right, if I don’t do good enough now it will remain fucked up for life and all this pain will be in vain
I just wish it was easy

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Doing better every day

I have already walked a lot today!
Saw the rehab facilities Dr and he prescribed electronic stimulus while I exercise because some of my muscles on the top and bottom of my thigh are not firing right but they say it happens from nerve and muscle shock after such an invasive surgery. 
I have a very proud PT guy, yesterday I could only bend my knee by myself 54° and today it was 81°! In fact even with him forcing the knee to try to break down scar tissue he was only able to get 91° so he was very impressed.
And that was after a crappy nights sleep and a lot of pain.
Speaking of pain, the TENS unit they have me using seems to work some to relieve pain though I can only handle it to 3 (out of 10) because my skin around the knee where the bandage was removed is somewhat tender and a little raw.  If they prove to help enough to justify it I may look at getting one for home.
The occupational therapy lady had me do some tests today and said I am doing well and then corrected a few bad habits like sliding my feet and not bending my knee or lifting my feet when I walk.
Walking like that it does helps but after all the walking, sitting through a meeting with the really amazingly cool dietitian and some residences to talk about ideas to make the menus work for more people’s needs and then taking a shower I was so wiped out I was shaking when she was asking me to show her how I do things.  But she took it into consideration and said I just need a few new habits and to stop trying to rush everything.
This place has the best staff ever and they are going out of their way to help me and accommodate my dietary needs (not being able to eat most carbs and needing protein based snacks 3-4 times a day so I can get enough to heal) the CNAs and Nurses are really good at what they do and treat me well, most of all the nurse doesn’t make me feel foolish or like a druggy when I need pain meds or get confused about timing.
Despite how nice it is here I want to be out of here by May 6th for Alexs birthday if I can